The Main Character

The purpose is to know yourself so intimately that no one's perspective or judgment can disturb the reality of who you are.

I have mastered the ability to yearn to be seen and known, only to fear existing simultaneously.

The duplicity of my versions is so intertwined that I can no longer find my simplest form. The me before I was conditioned to alter myself to fit the bubble around me. The hard truth is that I think my entire existence is made up of what I believed I was supposed to be, of what those in my orbit made me believe I was.

My truth, silenced and questioned, before I ever had a chance to digest it.

I grew up tiptoeing around life. You can read that and assume I mean metaphorically, and I do, but I also mean literally. Sneaking around, on the tips of my toes, fearing my existence would disrupt the lives of those around me. I was gullible; I believed what everyone told me. Why would they lie?

After years of observing and swallowing any thought or desire, I realized no one was living for me. This realization came heavily, almost destructively.

I always feared the label of ‘selfish.’ I still do, but lucky for me, I live in a world where we romanticize the idea of being the main character in your own life. The irony in the world applauding a new way to say ‘I am living for me’ after conditioning us to believe doing so was selfish.

Maybe I always chose the wrong partners, the wrong friends, the wrong people to be around because they made it easy for me to exist. Quietly living in the shadow of their life, accepting them for what they portrayed and never questioning the narrative they reflected.

I have realized the most fulfilling way to move through life is to be the main character. I am sure it sounds cliché, but I woke up one day and realized no one was coming to save me. My beliefs, my feelings, were quietly built by those who are no longer here in this chapter of my life. I trusted those around me so deeply, yet never trusted myself.

The loudest lesson life has taught me is that there are people who do not care what you are going through; they only care about how it will affect how you show up for them. These are the people who make you believe choosing yourself is selfish. There is an art to the people you meet. Each interaction, big or small, has an impact on your subconscious. Connections fade, and once I released the attachment to each soul, I grew to love one the most dearly, mine.

The purpose is to know yourself so intimately that no one's perspective or judgment can disturb the reality of who you are. Knowing your soul allows you to never starve for attention or approval.

I hope that no matter what day, month, or year you finally decide to live for you, you know that choosing yourself is not selfish, it’s brave. We are not meant to absorb every idea or thought of those around us, but rather observe. Your life, your story, is written and directed by you. Without you, your life would not exist— so yes, you ARE the main character.

We all believe in something, right? God, the moon and stars, a divine being. Make sure you also believe in yourself.

You were created for you, not for others’ consumption. You decide who you are, not society.