What Can't Be Wasted
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time
From the perspective of a chronic over-thinker, constantly analyzing each thought, interaction, connection, and always searching for a meaning that may be deeper than the surface, I have been toying with the idea of acceptance.
Acceptance of change, of loss, of time spent on things you have nothing to show for.
A sentence that bothers me: “I don’t want you to waste your time.” Or any variation of that. Seemingly innocent, projectively thoughtful, since time is the most valuable and intangible aspect of being alive.
I am not someone who feels halfway. As deeply as I love, I equally rage. As deeply as I laugh, I equally cry.
Words, emotions, feelings, all fall victim to the rush of a moment. So easily thrown out into the world, once said, can’t be taken back.
I think collectively, you, me, anyone, can say they have things they regret. Maybe it’s the words that have slipped off the tongue in the heat of a moment, the anger, frustration, or rage we let fester only to be outwardly projected onto someone or something. The chance we did not take. The words we did not say.
I have never regretted the love I put into the world, or the kindness I showed, even when I did not receive it back. I have never regretted a chance I took, a goal I reached for, or a love I yearned for.
The ego, the fear of a lack of reciprocity, sometimes tricks us into believing that what we give must be returned. To love someone without that love given back must be a waste. To be kind to someone, even when they are cruel, a chance taken, even when the odds are against you, must be a waste of time.
Acceptance of an ending. A friendship you put your whole heart into, just for it to end over a minor misunderstanding. A relationship you spent years in that ends in the blink of an eye. The stranger you put effort into knowing or understanding, for them to view you as just that, nothing more, a stranger.
Some instances may never make sense. I may never know why someone doesn’t love me back, or why I didn’t get the opportunity I felt so deeply I deserved. Why forgiveness wasn’t in the cards for someone I bared my soul to.
Acceptance of the unknown. The rarest form of giving love, warmth, and kindness, regardless of what you get in return. To nurture a connection you want so badly to grow, even if the outcome falls short. To affirm people of their energy, their beauty, their capability, with no expectation of reciprocation. To take a chance, even if there is no promise of the outcome.
It took me a long time to let go of the things I held on to so tightly that I wish had stayed. Some gone without a warning, without an explanation, without a why.
Release the why.
Why do you love someone who doesn’t love you? Why are you kind to someone who is not kind to you? Why do you ask the stranger questions when they never ask you? Why take a chance on someone who won’t take a chance on you?
Why? Because it is who I am.
What cannot be wasted is love given. The things and people you choose to love, even if they don’t love back. The chances your heart pushes you to run toward, without hesitation, regardless of the outcome.
I regret most the love I was afraid to feel and to give because my ego got in the way. The chances I let slip away because I wasn’t ready.
Love given is never wasted.